All I Ever Have To Be

As I was journaling this afternoon, the Lord brought to my mind an old song that I haven't heard in ages, but it so perfectly fits with where I am at right now. For you old school Amy Grant fans, you may recognize this...

When the weight of all my dreams,
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of help and hope,
Have all been nicely said.
But, I'm still hurting,
Wondering if I'll ever be the one I think I am,
I think I am.

Then You gently re-remind me,
That You've made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best,
The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who You are,
Who You are.

And all I ever have to be is what You've made me,
Any more or less would be a step out of Your plan.
As you daily recreate me, help me always keep in mind,
That I only have to do what I can find.

And all I ever have to be,
All I have to be,
All I ever have to be
Is what You've made me.

More Thoughts...

God is more powerful, mysterious, and wonderful than we can ever imagine. He cannot be contained by our thoughts or definitions and is, in a sense, wild and untamable and bigger than we are in every way. And yet He is also a God who goes to great lengths to reveal Himself to us, to remind us that He is present in all the minutes of our lives. If we have eyes to see and ears to hear, the evidence of His power and presence is all around us. And those moments when we see Him revealed teaches us so much. Even in the darkest moments of our own small lives, He gives us reason to trust him, to anticipate the miraculous, and to dream of what is yet to come.

Words to Think About

I can't explain how the whole "goodness-of-God, suffering-of-man" thing works, but I know that God cannot - does not - wrong His children. He can't. Inconceivably holy, God cannot sin. He is unapproachable Light and He has no dark side. My God is huge. My God is wise, and my God will redeem. If He has allowed me to be put in these difficult circumstances, then He entrusted that suffering to me because He has faith in me...to live up to it.

Mother's Wisdom

My mom bought me a devotional book a while back called "Jesus Calling" - it is great because it is a short paragraph or two with some verses that is easy for me to do in the morning...and I love it because it is written as if Jesus is talking to you. The other day, when I called my mom in tears, she reminded me to read the devotional for that day (how did she know that I hadn't yet?!?). I have been reading it and re-reading it since then and wanted to share it with you:

"I am leading you, step by step, through your life. Hold my hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you through this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy - even precarious. That is how it should be. Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things. When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine. This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting my promises to care for you.

Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me. I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that. Relax and enjoy the journey in My presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go."

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. ~ Psalm 32:8

A Surprise Retreat

Ryan got back from his trip to Maine late last night and informed me this morning that I needed to pack a bag. "For what?", I asked. He said that he had made reservations for me at a hotel in Lexington (overlooking the vineyards), about 30 minutes away, for the weekend. He told me he would handle everything with the kids and any showings and church, etc...but that I needed a weekend of relaxation and quiet.

Of course, at first I was tempted to protest. All these thoughts ran through my head:

• What if he forgets to give Lauren her medicine?
• What if Nolan freaks out because I'm not there to put him to bed?
• How will he do Lauren's hair for church by himself?

But then I realized...he would never suggest this unless he really believed I needed it. And, through tears, I realized that I do need it. I don't know what it is about my personality that makes it so hard for me to ask for help or admit that I am not superwoman. And, truth be told, during difficult times, I usually do rise to the occasion and get everything done. But, lately, the stress of the house sale and Ryan being gone alot and the kids being sick...it has begun to overwhelm me. I haven't been the kind of wife or mother I want to be and the depression has started to creep back in.

I know there will probably be people who read this and think that it's crazy that I'd need a weekend away to recharge. Or people who will think it is selfish of me to do this. But, I am looking forward to using this as an opportunity to spend quiet time with the Lord...to "be still" before Him and allow Him to show me His plan. And for Him to strengthen and encourage me for the road ahead. For the next couple of days, I will be using our blog as a journal, of sorts, to share with you all the ways God is speaking to me and the things He is showing me.

Lastly, and maybe most importantly, I will say this - it takes a very wise, loving and selfless husband to recognize a need in his wife and to provide the means for her to heal. I am incredibly grateful for his sensitivity towards me and his willingness to give me this time.

Perseverance

I love it when the Lord gives me something that is exactly what I need to hear. I opened up my devotional book this morning and read the lesson for yesterday, February 22, because I was a day behind. And it was the perfect reminder to me - this is from My Utmost for His Highest...

"Perseverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen. Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling. Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered. God calls us to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated.

If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, "because you have kept My command to persevere..." (Revelation 3:10)"

Low Offers & Sick Kiddo

What a crazy few days it has been around the Smith household! It all started Thursday afternoon when I picked up Lauren from school. She said she had been coughing alot in class and felt like her eyes were burning. Sure enough, when I took her temperature at home, she was running a low fever. So, I gave her some tylenol and set her up on the couch.

Even though she said she felt better in the morning, I kept her home from school on Friday (she was quite bummed because it was "Western Day" and she wanted to wear her cowgirl hat and bandana). The fever continued to fluctuate throughout the day and her cough only got worse. I felt terrible because we HAD to leave the house for a showing in the afternoon and she really didn't feel up to it. It was a 2nd showing, which was a good sign...and as it turned out, these people really liked the house. They were relocating here from Rhode Island and were trying to make a decision by the end of the weekend.

Friday night we got a call from our realtor that we had an offer! We were so excited and just praising the Lord and celebrating...UNTIL we saw what the offer was. Now, I understand that the economy is slow and people are getting crazy deals on houses, but this was ridiculous. After praying about it, we decided to counter-offer to see what they would do. They counter-offered back. We countered again and told them this was the lowest we could accept. They decided to go to their 2nd choice house and make an offer there. :( As disappointed as we were, we knew we had done the right thing.

In the midst of this whole real estate game, we had calls for two more showings on Saturday. Again, we were making Lauren leave the house and she was getting worse by the minute - over 103 degree fever and her cough sounded awful. So, when we finally got home, we put both the kids to bed early and we, too, were in bed by 9pm!! Then this morning, Lauren woke up vomiting...unfortunately, she had forgotten the "bucket" we had put by her bed and we have white carpets!! So, off Ryan ran to rent a carpet cleaning machine to see if we could get the stains out...all the while I am PRAYING we don't get a call for a showing! (Praise the Lord, we didn't...and the stains came out!!)

So, needless to say, I will be taking Lauren in to the doctor tomorrow to have them check her out and see if she needs an antibiotic. Oh, and did I mention that my husband is leaving this afternoon on a trip?!? Not the best timing, but I keep reminding myself that the Lord has consistently provided for us in times of need when Ryan is gone and He is faithful to give me the strength I need to get through each day. But, as always, we appreciate your prayers!!

Valentine's Day Surprise

Normally, Ryan and I don't exchange gifts with each other on Valentine's Day...or if we do, it is just cards or something very small. However, this year, he informed me that he DID want to do gifts. Thankfully, he gave me some advance notice, so I had time to figure out what I was going to get him. He hinted that my gift was going to be some kind of a "break" or "relaxation package". I assumed this meant a massage or pedicure at the spa. So, you can imagine my surprise when I opened up this 6.65 carat green amethyst ring:













This particular stone is one of my favorites and I have always joked that when we won the lottery, he could buy one for me. I was beyond shocked!! I just sat there for a while looking at it in disbelief. Knowing that we didn't really have the money for a gift like that made me appreciate it even more. He knows how hard this year has been on me, with him traveling so much and being gone from home more with his long commute...and even though he has been great to support and encourage me through it, this was quite the GRAND gesture. He definitely hit it out of the park on this one and I'll be letting him know that for months to come!!

More Snow!!

This has been the craziest winter for us in North Carolina! I posted the snow pictures from a few weeks ago and last night, it started snowing AGAIN!! We got as much snow as the last storm and this time we got to go out and enjoy it together as a family. Nolan didn't get to play outside last time, so this was his first experience in the snow. He absolutely loved it! We made a mini-snowman, did snow angels, went sledding on the golf course and threw snowballs into the creek. It was a blast! I think I had as much fun as the kids did going sledding - made me feel young again...I kept running to find a steeper slope to go down! :) Here are some pictures from our day...

Snow Day Pictures

I know I am late in getting these up, but it has been a crazy couple of weeks! We had one of the biggest snowfalls we've experienced since moving here - Lauren had the day off school, most places of business shut down and it was absolutely beautiful! Unfortunately, Nolan was still sniffly and runny-nosed, so he couldn't go out and enjoy it. But, Lauren did get to go play with a neighbor friend and sled down the hills on the golf course. Here are some pics from our winter storm: