Last Journal Entry

I have been feeling lately like there is always something out there, just beyond my grasp, that I cannot have but that I believe will make me more happy and fulfilled if I could somehow get my hands on it. But I couldn’t, and it left me feeling anxious, empty and depleted. I reach, but I cannot grasp, not just for material things, but for expectations of how my life could or should be.

Through this time of quiet reflection, it has become clear to me that I should have been reaching for God, instead of reaching for happiness. Trying harder to be happy or content will not make me happy and content; trying harder to rest in God and depend upon His grace will. It is a spiritual issue, not a practical one. Contentedness will not come from being more organized, sleeping longer, being a better wife, selling the house or having more time to myself. Contentedness is learned in the process of daily accepting life as God gives it to me, and adjusting my expectations to life’s limitations.

If it is God’s will for me to endure these circumstances, then He is not asking me to do more than I am able (I Corinthians 10:13) and He is not withholding from me anything that I truly need (Philippians 4:19; James 2:2-8). If I choose to, I can learn to be content with the life that God has given to me, whether I have a little or a lot to live it with. What keeps me from being content is not what God is or isn’t supplying. The real problem is that I, Kimberly, have not been adjusting my expectations to life’s limitations—I want more than I can have, ask for more than I need, strive for more than I can do, and expect more than God has promised.

Now, having seen this, I can ask for forgiveness. I can ask for God’s help to break this cycle I’ve been in and to seek Him for the things I need…to find my contentedness in Him alone and to allow Him to change my heart. I am so grateful I had this time away to listen to what He wanted to show me, to rest and “refill my cup” and to realize these important truths. God is a mystery and a healer.